My Oneshot Pot
by daniel-gudman
Summary: Daniel Gudman's short works, mostly 100-worders. Number 23: Fifty Years. Number 24: Perfect Boyfriend.
1. Life sucks and then ya die!

How Many?  
  
Daniel's Disclaimer: The two characters and the third they allude to in this fic are totally fictional. These 100 words are simply an idea I had about them. But they're still not mine, ok? (BTW, just in case you live under a rock, they belong to RUMIKO TAKAHASHI).  
  
***  
  
Inu-Yasha grunted and pulled himself out of the ground.  
  
"You shouldn't fight her every time she wants to go home," Miroku advised him lightly.  
  
"Feh." Inu-Yasha replied sourly. "What the hell could she be doing that's so important?"  
  
"She's explained time and again that her future relies on how well she does in school, Inu-Yasha." Miroku sighed, launching into the lecture on 'status' again.  
  
"Feh." Inu-Yasha growled back, more frustrated and angry than usual.  
  
".What is it now, Inu-Yasha?" Miroku sighed.  
  
"I'm just wondering how many bloody villages Naraku's gonna lay waste to while she's gone THIS time." Inu-Yasha growled.  
  
***  
  
DG: I wonder if I'm the only person that ever asked that? 


	2. Well, well, well, what have we here?

Daniel's Disclaimer: Inu-Yasha, Shippo, and Kagome are the intellectual property of Rumiko Takahashi, and I have and claim no rights to them. Not that I don't want them, but the sad truth is that if wishes were fishes there wouldn't be room in the sea for water.  
  
;)  
  
Inu-Yasha grimaced, a vein popping out of his forehead while he stared into the well.  
  
Shippo pouted angrily next to him. "Dammit, Inu-Yasha, just go apologize to Kagome already!"  
  
Inu-Yasha shot him a slant-eyed look. "And say that it was MY fault?"  
  
Shippo harrumphed, crossing his arms. "Well, it WAS, running off to see Kikyo like that."  
  
Inu-Yasha snarled. Naraku had attacked Kikyo again and Inu-Yasha had been worried about her well-being.  
  
Inu-Yasha looked into the well. "I already went to see her, anyway."  
  
Shippo growled. "So you just made it worse, huh!?"  
  
"She wasn't home." Inu-Yasha grunted sourly. "Souta said she was out on a date with Hojo."  
  
;)  
  
You may have guessed by now that I'm not a terribly big fan of Kagome. She's cool, and all, but. she's not as cool as Kikyo. Well, better qualify that: the manga version of Kikyo is cool, but the anime version of Kikyo is whack. REALLY whack.  
  
I'm so gonna get flamed in every review that I get for saying that. They'll both be like, "how can you like Kikyo better than Kagome!?" 


	3. Plastic Fantastic

Daniel's Disclaimer: The characters of Inu-Yasha, Kagome, and Sesshoumaru don't belong to me. Neither does Miroku, either, but I'm not a rabid fangirl so it goes without saying I don't want him. When you stop to think about it, isn't that kinda weird? I mean, come on, the guy's a creep, would you really want someone like him intereasted in your body? And there's the whole--(Daniel Gudman is cut off by a savage beating administered by his muse, who couldn't care less about Miroku but is sick of his pointless self-absorbed rambling).  
  
***  
  
Kagome sat up, ghasping.  
  
"What's wrong!?" Inu-Yasha growled, hand on Tetsusaiga's hilt.  
  
"Bad dream..." Kagome swallowed nervously.  
  
"About what?" Inu-Yasha asked.  
  
"Sesshoumaru..." Kagome said offhandedly. She frowned. "Hey Inu-Yasha... why is Sesshoumaru so... pretty?"  
  
Inu-Yasha fehed. "You wouldn't believe me..."  
  
"Yes I would! How, Inu-Yasha! Please tell me." Kagome pouted, turning doe-eyes on him.  
  
Inu-Yasha looked away, although it was dark and she was pouting four feet to his left.  
  
"Botox." He grunted.  
  
"Botox!?" Kagome sputtered.  
  
"Yeah, botox." Inu-Yasha fehed. "What, you think he was ALWAYS that deadpan?"  
  
"...botox..."  
  
"OR that you were the only one that traveled through time!?"  
  
***  
  
That's not actually the first draft of this... I was hunting through my hard drive when I found my original draft (BTW, this is a pretty common scenario for me... I forget I wrote something all the friggin' time, and I'm really surprised when I find it. Kinda pathetic, but it puts a sorta "treasure-hunt" feel into house-keeping my machine).  
  
Anyway, here is the (substantially longer) initial version. I cut out the part that started to break the fourth wall; I can't abide stuff like that, and I slapped myself when I discovered I'd done something like that. Anyway... here ya go!  
  
***  
  
Kagome yawned, drifting in and out of conciousness. It had been a long, hard day of shard-hunting, and Kagome for one was glad that it was over. Inu-Yasha hadn't seemed to happy, since they hadn't found any shards. He'd yelled at them, Kagome in particular, calling them weak and wimpy and such.  
  
So Kagome had sat him, repeatedly, and by the time he managed to pry himself out of the ground, camp was already set and Miroku asleep against a tree.  
  
Kagome yawned again, envious of Miroku's narcoleptic ability to fall asleep instantly. She squirmed deeper into her sleeping bag, and Shippo wriggled, getting comfortable against her as she shifted her own position. She didn't really understand why Shippo needed to be so close when they slept, but she figured it was just reassuring for the poor little guy.  
  
Finally satisfied with a comfortable position, Kagome yawned, and drifted to sleep. Her eyes closed, and she drifted into unconciousness, into the world of dreams.  
  
Finally, Inu-Yasha growled to himself. Kagome always took so long to get to sleep; and he was too paranoid subconciously to ever go to sleep with the way she tossed and turned about. He woke up at least six times every night when she was around; she would talk in her sleep or turn or something, and he'd startle awake, ready to kill whatever had encrouched on his territory. He much preferred Miroku's company at times like this (night). The houshi slumped bonelessly to the ground, and barely even breathed once asleep. He awoke fastest and easiest, too; he was the lightest sleeper, besides Inu-Yasha himself.  
  
It was a dilemma for Inu-Yasha; when he was around Kagome he never got a full night's rest. It was ten times worse when they all shared room and she was only two meters away. He never really got to sleep then. It would be a real problem if they ever got togethe-  
  
Inu-Yasha was firmly not thinking about THAT and KAGOME in the same context, and had been successfully doing so for eight minutes and twelve seconds (he counted) when Kagome abruptly shot upright, hyperventilating and wide-eyed.  
  
"What's wrong?!" Inu-Yasha hissed, dropping down to sit next to her and draw Tetsusaiga, instantly ready to defeat any foe that dared disturbed his Kagome's slumber and cast the mangled remains into the Abyss. His hand tightened on the handle, ready.  
  
"Bad dream..." Kagome ghasped, regaining control of her breathing.  
  
Inu-Yasha fehed in annoyance. Once Kagome had explained adrenaline to him he understood why it always took at least an hour to calm down enough to sleep after any sort of surprise.  
  
"It was about Sesshoumaru..." Kagome said, wiggling free of her sleeping bag while still leaving Shippo unturned. She shivered. "I dreamed he was a geisha that ended up going on a killing spree and ripping the still-beating hearts out of his customers. While still dressed like a whore. Jaken played theme music on the samisen."  
  
Inu-Yasha snorted. "That bastard just decapitates humans. It tends to stain his kimono less and the blood spray is so much cooler." Inu-Yasha snorted. "Although he wouldn't look too out of place as a geisha."  
  
"Except for the monstrous limb he usually has attached to the stump of his left arm." Kagome amended, digging through her bag to look for a water bottle. She paused, speculative. "Say, why is that?"  
  
"Because a demon arm is so much more powerful than a human arm." Inu-Yasha lectured.  
  
Kagome interupted him before he could start his 'humans are weak' litany. "That's not what I meant. I meant, why is Sesshou-maru so pretty?"  
  
Inu-Yasha frowned. "Isn't it obvious?"  
  
"No!" Kagome responded, a little angry that Inu-Yasha would just condescend like that. "I mean, he's girl-pretty; dainty, almost. Beautiful, that's it! Sesshoumaru is downright beautiful, whereas you're more hunky and cute-" She paused in her rambling then, and they both blushed, mortified by what she had said. Or at least, Kagome was mortified. Inu-Yasha felt more like yelling triumphantly and dancing around like a total fool.  
  
"So, anyway, Inu-Yasha," Kagome said, not quite willing to face him yet, "what about Sesshoumaru's prettiness is so obvious?"  
  
"Huh? Uh-erm, I mean, thatis, FEH!" Inu-Yasha panicked a bit, his mouth moving faster than his brain, which was still stuck on the "Hunky" and "Cute." Fortunately his mouth managed to drop back on a good 'ole standbye before his foot got into the mix.  
  
"Inu-Yasha..." Kagome growled, trying to warn him of his dire prediciment but mostly just sounding flustered.  
  
"Yeah, Kagome?"  
  
Kagome decided to drop that whole thread and return to the original conversation. "What about Sesshoumaru's prettiness is so obvious?" She repeated.  
  
"Oh." Inu-Yasha said. He grinned. "What, you haven't figured it out yet?"  
  
"Figured what out, Inu-Yasha?!" She ground out, annoyed.  
  
"Why Sesshoumaru is so pretty." Inu-Yasha chuckled. He was really enjoying this.  
  
Kagome wasn't. "Dammit, Inu-Yasha, just tell me!" She growled, this time actually sounding scary. "Stupid mutt." she added for good measure.  
  
"Bitch." Was his clever (and original) response.  
  
"Is that all I am to you!?" She demanded, tears already pooling in her eyes.  
  
"NO! You're somuchmore! I mean--YES!" Dammit, Inu-Yasha thought, his foot had beaten his brain to his mouth on THAT one.  
  
"Inu-Yasha..." Kagome ground out, but inside she was grinning wickedly. He was SO easy to manipulate.  
  
"Didn't you want to know about that bastard, Sesshoumaru?" Inu-Yasha groused.  
  
"Fine." Kagome was a bit disappointed. She brightened then. "So do you really know why you're brother's so cute?" she was really curious.  
  
"Botox." The hanyou grunted.  
  
"Botox?!" The future girl cried, nearly waking their traveling companions. The answer surprised her.  
  
"Of course! Did you think he was ALWAYS that expressionless?!" Inu-Yasha retorted.  
  
"Well, no... but... how on earth does he get it?" Kagome asked, confused.  
  
Inu-Yasha snorted. "What, you think you're the only one that travels through time?"  
  
***  
  
The endings of both forms bother me... there just sorta peter out, not the kinda snappy end you expect, ya know? Well, anyway, that's about it. Thanks for readin'. 


	4. Sharing is Caring

Daniel's Disclaimer: STILL don't own Inu-Yasha... *sighs* so much for being Rumiko Takahashi's long-lost son...  
  
Once again, I am proud to say that this one is EXACTLY 100 words. Took four revisions, but hey.  
  
***  
  
"...The hell is your problem, runt!?" Inu-Yasha yelled at Shippo.  
  
"Inu-Yasha, you drove Kagome away, goin' to see Kikyo AGAIN!" Shippo hollered back.  
  
Miroku sighed. "Inu-Yasha, admit you're wrong... for once."  
  
"I didn't do nothin' wrong!" Inu-Yasha protested, crossing his arms.  
  
Sango gave him a steady look. "It's cliche, but in our group, also TRUE. It's always the man's fault."  
  
Miroku nodded. "Very true, Sango, I--hey!"  
  
Inu-Yasha grunted. "I don't need to put up with this crap." He growled, storming off.  
  
Myoga sighed. "He truly believes himself innocent..."  
  
"How so, Myoga?" Miroku asked.  
  
Myoga shrugged. "Inu-Yasha is mormon."  
  
"Oh!"  
  
***  
  
...I should probably apologize to all the mormons who are reading this. (If you don't get it because you're not intimately familiar with US history, or the plethora of Christian sects out there, Mormonism fled to Utah in the 1800s to avoid persecution for their practice of polygamy).  
  
Anyhoo, read and review. Thank you. 


	5. Vengence!

Daniel's disclaimer: Ah, y'all know the drill.  
  
This one came out of nowhere... sat down and banged it out in fifteen minutes. Ten of which were concerned with cutting it down to one hundred words.  
  
***  
  
Sesshoumaru was... displeased.  
  
He stood, serene, with all the wrath of a wronged god.  
  
It had been insult enough when, years ago, the priest of that shrine had slain his most loyal retainer, Jaken.   
  
But this... this mockery, could not go unavenged.  
  
"It's a day early, but... Happy Birthday, Kagome!"  
  
"Wow!? For ME!?"  
  
"It's the mummified hand of a kappa water-sprite. The legends hold that whosoever possesses this..."  
  
"Here, Buyo. Lunch."  
  
Sesshoumaru called forth the oni that would be the agent of his awesome vengence.  
  
He knew just when to send her, too... and strike two birds with one stone.  
  
***  
  
Woah... this idea sprung into my head fully formed. I blame Queen, for being the first one to advance the idea that Jaken is a kappa. Anyway, thanks for reading. 


	6. If wishes were fishes

Daniel's Disclaimer: Ah, you know the drill. I own nothin'.  
  
This idea has been stewing in my brain for a while, and I finally decided to see if I could express it in 100 words.  
  
***  
  
Finally.  
  
The battle concluded, Naraku defeated, the jewel whole.  
  
...Kikyo at rest...  
  
Finally, the jewel, the wondrous jewel lay uncracked in his hands, a perfect glowing sphere.   
  
Inu-Yasha looked towards Miroku and Sango. They were absorbed in his hand, finally whole.  
  
Inu-Yasha looked up at Kagome.  
  
"Go on, Inu-Yasha." She smiled. "It's yours now."  
  
Inu-Yasha held the jewel up reverently, gently polishing the completed surface.  
  
Purple smoke exploded upward, and the startled friends watched as Midoriko floated mid-air, dressed as an Arabian prostitute.  
  
"I am the genie of the jewel, and you will recieve three wishes!" She announced loudly.  
  
"..."  
  
***  
  
When you stop to think about it, the concept of the jewel granting a wish is pretty silly. The whole concept of the jewel being treated as anything other than a "D-Cell of Evil" contradicts a lot of stuff in the first manga. It bothers me most in "Hero in the 21st Century," where the jewel does some stuff that goes against the basic cosmology of the Japanese mythos.  
  
Anyway, that's probably way too much whining on my part. As always, reviews are appreciated to an almost pathetic degree. 


	7. the one to rule them all

Daniel's Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is set forth herein. Blame Rumiko Takahashi and JRR Tolkein (What were his first three names?).  
  
***  
  
The hole was dark and dismal, the air stagnant and heavy with the stench of demon entrails.  
  
"Ssoon..."  
  
A single pallid broken human lay, as wasted and ruined as the rest of the great terrible morass of evil that would eventually recombine into his body.  
  
"Sssoon, sso ssoon..."  
  
But now, in the dark, shivering and alone, the fear of flame was thick upon him again, and he could abide no lamps or torches.  
  
Only a single thought maintained the human shred of thought. "Sssoon." It whispered, smiling maleovelently.  
  
"Sssoon we will haveses it, my preciouss..."  
  
In his pit, Naraku smiled.  
  
***  
  
This is a "Lord of the Rings" gag, obviously. Or it was supposed to be, but it came off a little too creepy, I think, for parody. Naraku on his human night is just a little too macabre.  
  
Consider: no matter how bad any other character has it, Onigumo had it worse. The constant agony that he no doubt endured, alone, stewing in his pain, with only a single oil lamp (a rather grotesque reminder of his immolated form) to stave off constant darkness...  
  
Up, being Onigumo would suck. No wonder he went off the deep end. 


	8. don't bet on it

Daniel's Disclaimer: I own none of this. (STILL not Rumiko Takahashi's long lost son... dammit).  
  
As promised in my latest profile update, here's the next ficlet! Woo hoo!  
  
***  
  
Miroku sighed, slouching down to sit next to Inu-Yasha.  
  
"...Yes?" He said, breaking the silence.  
  
"Where were you?" Sango accused.  
  
"...out?" Miroku said.  
  
Everyone else started with narrowed eyes.  
  
"She looked really healthy…" Shippo added.  
  
"Men are pigs." Sango announced, standing up to leave.  
  
"Wait, Sango, it wasn't like that!" Miroku protested, on his knees.  
  
She glared back. "Don't follow me."  
  
Shippo and Kagome ignored him. Inu-Yasha kept staring.  
  
Miroku stared back. "Oh, all right, you won." He pulled a string of coins out of his kesa, which he tossed to the hanyou. "She was a lizard oni this time."  
  
***  
  
Is it just me, or do all the women that Miroku catch fall into one of three catagories: Girls from before he met Sango, Sango, and big scary demons masquarading as girls to try and take advantage of his reknowned lechery to kill him? I imagine if they ran into enough of the third sort, Inu-yasha and Miroku really would start betting on what kind of demon "she" was. 


	9. The Fugitive

Daniel's Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi, not I, owns Inu-Yasha. And the powerful syndicates of Mordor (based in Hollywood) probably own "The fugitive."  
  
This one was based on a conversation I had with my brother.  
  
***  
  
Officer Sango splashed through the pipe, breathing heavily as she turned the corner.  
  
The roar of the falls where the water rushed out of the pipe and into the dam reservoir was deafening.  
  
She looked over her shoulder; Officer Miroku was there, as backup.  
  
"Just give it up, Inu-Yasha!" She shouted over the water. "We're taking you in!"  
  
He scowled at them, feet planted at the precipice. "It wasn't me, dammit!"  
  
He scooted back, building up his nerve. "It was the one-armed man!"  
  
Sango pointed her gun at him. "You can't pin this one on your brother, Inu-Yasha!"  
  
He lept.  
  
***  
  
Ha Ha Ha... making fun of Sesshoumaru's handicap NEVER gets old. 


	10. decisions decisions

Daniel's Discaimer: As previously stated, I am not secretly related to Rumiko Takahashi; thus, I am in no way capable of claiming ownership of the following.  
  
***  
  
The jewel was complete, Naraku was dead, Miroku was healed, Kikyou was resting peacefully, Kagura was free, etc. et al.  
  
What Kagome really wanted to know was where Inu-Yasha wanted to stay. She really, really wanted to live with her family, but she understood that Inu-Yasha would probably want to live in Kaede's village.  
  
Kagome sighed. They weren't even married yet and they were going to argue over where they'll live...  
  
Inu-Yasha sauntered up. "Pack your bags, wench. We're going to live in your time."  
  
Kagome was surprised.  
  
Inu-Yasha kehed. "What? MY kids are gonna be raised with indoor plumbing."  
  
***  
  
No joke. If I had to choose between living in feudal and modern Japan, toilets ALONE would decide the issue. Let alone the whole Danzai thing ("Danzai," BTW, is the legal right of Samurai to kill all of lower castes who offended them). 


	11. Ella Uneducated

Daniel's Disclaimer: I own neither Inu-Yasha nor Kagome, or Ella Enchanted.  
  
I'm getting a little tired of all the "Ella Enchanted" plots I'm seeing on FF.net; hence me writing this (the hardest part was spelling, this time).  
  
***  
  
"Dammit, bitch, stoppit!" Inu-Yasha cursed, covering his head with his arms as she wailed on him.  
  
Kagome frowned, stopping mid-swing with the frying pan.  
  
"Bitch." Inu-Yasha muttered, rubbing his head. He had a concussion, and his ears were broken.  
  
Kagome scowled. "You bastard, how dare you take advantage of my curse!?"  
  
Fine, fine!" Inu-Yasha snapped. "From this moment forward you are to consider all imperative statements to be instead inquisitive!"  
  
"...huh?"  
  
Inu-Yasha scowled. "It means you'll interpret all injunctions as questions!" Inu-Yasha roared.  
  
"You will understand!" Inu-Yasha finally shouted.  
  
"I don't get it." Kagome confessed.  
  
"Exactly." Inu-Yasha rejoined, inordinately pleased.  
  
***  
  
BTW, an imperative statement is a command, an inquisitive statement is a question, and an injunction is an order. Understanding these other-wise worthless grammer terms is essential to grasping the illogic of an "obey all orders" enchantment, which can easily be either compromised or circumvented. But mostly I wrote this because Inu-Yasha using "power-vocabulary" is so funny. 


	12. Reflections

daniel's disclaimer: The sad state of samasara is such that even alliterative "s" sounds are not my own creation, let alone the characters presented herein. Hell, the punny point of this particular page is the pure perfect product of a polar plurality of my passive brother and my self.  
  
Daniel is in an alliterative mood... -_-  
  
***  
  
His head snapped back and forth, looking over each shoulder before he settled down again, smirking as nefariously as only he could.  
  
Kanna didn't blink; she never blinked, no matter how paranoid he acted.  
  
Smirking, he addressed Kanna, slowly, savoring each sinister serpentine sound.  
  
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the evilest of them all?"  
  
The image in the mirror twisted, distorted, until it was no longer HIS face reflected in its polished surface.  
  
The ghostly voice of the mirror whispered: "Kikyo~," dragging out the second syllable slowly, sadly.  
  
Naraku's face contorted with black jealousy. "Feh." He spit out foully.  
  
***  
  
Ha ha ha.... that's not funny. 


	13. Hanzo, the Arrogant Sword Master

Daniel's Disclaimer: In a surprise reversal of everything I've said so far, I got a letter in the mail today. It was in Japanese. After three hours of looking through on-line Japanese-to-English dictionaries, I puzzled out the first three sentances. What it said was that I am secretly the only child of Rumiko Takahashi and am thus heir to everything she's created; when she dies it will fall to me to make sure that shameless profiteers in Hollywood don't exploit and distort everything she wrote.  
  
...  
  
PSYCHE! I'm just as unrelated to Rumiko Takahashi as ever, and thus can make no claim of ownership to anything but my own pompous verbosity. Which I will zealousy defend to my last adjective.  
  
I was reading through a book of Japanese stories a while back, and this rather comical cross-over came to mind. It's kinda touching, but... I still think this is a bit lamer, conceptually, than some of the others. Better than some, but worst than most.  
  
Anyway, in the spirit of the new, more flexible (and rhyming!) title, this one is like 250 words.

* * *

Hanzo the Arrogant Sword Master sat down one day for a cup of sake. There was only one thing that exceeded Hanzo's arrogance, and that was his skill in kenjutsu.  
  
A noble samurai came up and offered him one thousand ryo to teach him, but Hanzo said "pah, a wimpy mama's boy like you could never learn the sword, not in a hundred years!"  
  
A rich merchant offered him TWO thousand ryo to teach him the sword, but Hanzo the Arrogant Sword Master sniffed with disdain. "A money-sucking coward like you would be too afraid to learn the sword, even if you studied for a hundred years!"  
  
The emperor of Japan himself asked Hanzo the Arrogant Sword Master to teach him Kenjutsu, but Hanzo politely (for him) declined. "A courtesan like you is too soft to learn the sword. Maybe if you studied a hundred years!"  
  
A time-traveling schoolgirl asked Hanzo if he would teach an injury-prone inuhanyou the sword, but Hanzo took one look at the sulking boy and snorted. "Even if I trained a hundred years, he'd be better than me!"  
  
The time-traveling schoolgirl was flabbergasted. "Huh!?"  
  
Hanzo spat. "Just look at him! He's not even afraid of pain, let alone death!" He threw back his head and swallowed his sake. "For someone without fear, mastering the sword is knowing how to swing the bloody thing!"  
  
The time-traveling schoolgirl had nothing to say to that.

* * *

...Ok, this one probably needs a little bit of explination.  
  
First off, recall that kenjutsu is the skill of killing with the sword. It doesn't have to look pretty, it doesn't have to be graceful, as long as you cut the other bloke before he cuts you. Kendo, on the other hand, is training with the sword for physical and spiritual development. If it's not pretty, if it's not graceful, it's not very good kendo. Understand the difference?  
  
That said, there's an old tale about the instructor of martial arts in a certain han (feudal domain); it was his duty to make sure that the hanshi (samurai of the domain) were good at killing. Anyway, one day he was approached by a goshi (village samurai; a goshi is about as low as you can get within the samurai caste), who wanted the instructor to teach him kenjustsu.  
  
The instructor looked at him funny and responded that the goshi was at least a master, himself. The goshi sheepishly responded that he'd never held a sword in his life; how could he be a master fighter?  
  
The instructor glanced at him oddly again, and said that there was still something that bespoke a great warrior in the way the man carried himself.  
  
The goshi shrugged, and said that because he was samurai, he felt it would be unbecoming to be afraid of death, and so grappled with his fear for several years, meditating on transceance until he was finally not afraid to die. Only then had he felt confident enough to approach the instructor for lessons.  
  
The instructor snapped his fingers and said "that's it!" And then he informed the goshi that he had already learned the most difficult, most important lesson of all, the hardest thing in kenjutsu; fighting without fear of dying. And then he sent the goshi on his merry way, saying he was already a master swordsman.  
  
(Personally this ending seemed kinda like a gyp to me, but there ya go).  
  
(Also, this isn't a "little bit" of explination, but whatever...).  
  
Anyway, the big point of this is an aspect of Inu-Yasha that I really, really respect, but no one else seems to recognize: he's honestly unafraid of pain. He really isn't afraid to die. This is more than heroic acceptance of a tragic fate; this is simple recognition that death is everywhere, and that there are people that want to kill you, want to hurt you. And still he's not afraid. This is the kind of real, down-right hardcore bravery that I really look up to.  
  
Well, that's pretty much all the yammering I have to do. danielgudman, over and out!  
  
(gawd, that was lame...)


	14. Educational Transcript

Daniel's Disclaimer: still got nuthin'.  
  
Hoo Boy, I can't believe I'm actually going to post this... this is an actual conversation I had with my brother, by the way, although I changed wordings to cut it down to 100. Sacrifices I have to make, ya know?

* * *

danielgudman: You're on crack.  
  
danielgudman's brother: Seriously! Sesshoumaru is like Ken!  
  
DG: "Barbie Ken," not "Street Fighter" Ken.  
  
DGB: Yeah.  
  
DG: How?!  
  
DGB: They both have that hard, immoble plasticky exterior.  
  
DG: And they both are named after swords.  
  
DGB: ?  
  
DG: Well, "ken" is an older term that refers to morohanotsurugi, straight double-edged swords in the Chinese form. "Sessho-maru," with different kanji, means "killing sword."  
  
DGB: YOU are on crack.  
  
DG: "Maru" refers to the composition of the sword, and it's the worst kind—unfolded single hardness, popular in Showa era mass-produced blades.  
  
DGB: You're a nerd on crack.

* * *

...I really AM a big nerd. I spouted all that off the top of my head. Hopefully I'll be able to post a real story next time instead of a pathetic excuse like this. No promises, thou. 


	15. Breath mints, man!

Daniel's Disclaimer: Eh, ya'll know the drill.  
  
This is the first time I ever had to ADD to a short-short (initially, it was 76 words). First time for everything, ya know?

* * *

Inu-Yasha spat. "You stink, wimpy wolf!" He gripped Tetsusaiga.  
  
"Better than smelling like a wet DOG!" Kouga sneered back, cracking his knuckes.  
  
They fought. Tooth and nail. Almost… she stopped them.  
  
Kagome was embarrassed. "Inu-Yasha, sit!"  
  
He sat. Hard.  
  
Afterwards, Inu-Yasha glared at Kagome.  
  
Kagome glared back. "Why?!"  
  
"He stinks!" Inu-Yasha roared.  
  
"Oh, how mature, Inu-Yasha!" She threw up her hands and left.  
  
Shippo frowned. "Really, Inu-Yasha."  
  
"He stinks!" Inu-Yasha growled.  
  
Shippo pursed his lip. "Not badly. For a wolf."  
  
"Ok, only his breath stinks." Inu-Yasha relented.  
  
"Huh?" Shippo replied. His breath…?  
  
"His breath stinks of human flesh." Inu-Yasha explained.

* * *

Ahh, I'm back to Kagome bashing. Sorta. It feels good to be in my particular niche again. I think the surprise reversal (Inu-Yasha goes from being irrational to justified) is a little bit of a stretch--we never know of Kouga eating human flesh, only that he kills villages so his wolves can. Close enough, I thought (Hence me writing this).  
  
Fufilled that promise a lot faster than I thought I would, too (15 minutes. Go daniel). 


	16. The sweet smell of never mind

Daniel's Disclaimer: None of the four people mentioned in her is mine, although the subject of their discussion is based on scientificly documented evidence. Imagine that!  
  
Whoa, I'm really on a roll. This is like the fourth one this week. Be warned, this one is deep in PG-13.

* * *

"I can only imagine what your sense of smell, must be like. If I could but know the sweet, flowery scent of Sango..." Miroku sighed. "Like ogling her with my nose."  
  
"Keh." Inu-Yasha responded weakly.  
  
"You disagree?" Miroku baited.  
  
Inu-Yasha took it. "Of course, bouzu!"  
  
"Whyever so?" He asked.  
  
"Because humans stink!" He responded.  
  
Miroku tsked. "Even though you tell Kagome that constantly, I cannot fathom why you must insult--"  
  
"Piss." Inu-Yasha grunted.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Human sweat smells the same as human piss. Just weaker."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"It's true!" Inu-Yasha said. "Why the hell else would demons look down on you?"

* * *

It really is true, actually. Urea, or Carbonyl Ammonia, is the primary waste of protein synthesis, and it's held in solution in our urine and in our sweat, although concentration is higher in urine. So everything Inu-Yasha ever said about 'human stench' probably isn't hyperbole. We really would stink to someone with a nose as sensitive as his.  
  
Now that you're all grossed out, I feel that I have to lay the blame for this one at the feet of all those lovey-dovey WAFFy things were Inu-Yasha says/thinks Kagome smells like flowers/fruit (strawberries in particular seem popular). The truth is, she smells like piss. So does everyone else. 


	17. Meddling Kids!

Daniel's Disclaimer: STILL don't own nothing. Which, if you are familiar with the peculiar vagarities of the English language, is actually an incriminating statement... anyway. Here's the bloody story already.

* * *

It had come to a head.  
  
Naraku lay defeated and broken on the ground, the Inu-Yashagumi standing over him resolutely.  
  
"Now let's see your real face." Miroku said, reaching down to end the disguise. Shippo looked on from Sango's shoulder, next to Kirara.  
  
"Naraku is really... Itsuwaki-san!?" Kagome exclaimed. "The kindly old tono!?"  
  
"That's right," he growled, "Naraku was just a ploy to scare everyone off so no one would suspect my illegal gold mining." He sneered. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your talking dog!"  
  
"Feh." Inu-Yasha said.

* * *

This new "quickedit" feature is driving me NUTS. I write my stuff in MS Notepad, for Chrissake, there simply isn't a simpler word processing program avalable, and STILL "Document manager" cuts stuff (like an asterisk) out. Pain in my ass. And the automatic double spacing gets to me, too.

Moving on...

The more you think about, the uncannier the similarities.  
  
This one came to me last night when I was watching IY on CN at eleven. Naraku was chillin' with Tsubaki and was all like "These here kids really chafe my ass." And Tsubaki was all up with "Whatever." And next episode: Tsubaki gets poned!  
  
...I really get way to into this.


	18. 5050

Daniel's Disclaimer: I was thinking of spoofing Colonel Klink, ("Ah ownz nahthin'!") but I realized 1) that most readers wouldn't get it, 2) those that did get it wouldn't think it was funny, and 3) then I'd have to disclaim Hogan's Heros.  
  
But you know what's even crazier? Colonel Klink, Nazi prison camp comandante, was played by Werner Klemperer, Jewish actor--and refugee from Nazi Germany. Now that's pretty wild, isn't it?  
  
Anyway, I found that, surprisingly enough, the kernal of the one-shot for today was best expressed in less than one hundred words! So I cut it down to fifty and wrote another fifty-worder and figgered two halves make a whole. Or something.

* * *

She knew it was inappropriate to laugh.  
  
She knew he wasn't trying to be funny. That made it worse.  
  
She bit back her laughter, snorting in a matter unbecoming a schoolgirl.  
  
She looked to the flying cat on her left and snorted more. Because of his kesa, Miroku rode side-saddle.

* * *

Five hundred years was a long time.  
  
Maybe not for his body, or for the youkai circles, but living among humans...   
Five hundred years was a really really long time.  
  
He saw Kagome on the train, in her school uniform.  
  
But Inu-Yasha didn't say hello. His heart had forgotten her.

* * *

I got the idea for the first one watching the second half of the two-parter about Tsubasi (Tsubaki? Tsubaka? Stewbossy?), when Sango and Miroku were flying around on Kirara and the animation of Miroku's kesa looked a little... funny. I realized it was because he had a leg on either side of everyone's favorite flaming kitten (now THAT sounded like a gay joke) but his kesa was, mysteriously enough, not hiked up to mid-thigh.  
  
The second is my allergic reaction to too (two homonyms in a row! ...three now!) much fluff where Inu-Yasha waits around for Kagome for five centuries. I always wondered why he never seems to change in fifty decades; chances are, he'd have grown into a totally unrecongnizable person, personality-wise. Seems like a great chance for someone to write an "unrequited love" angst-fic, since I'm too lazy to do it myself. Well, not too lazy, I guess, so much a real slow writer. Fast (and messy) typist, but a slow writer. Go figure. 


	19. The loving family

* * *

Daniel's Disclaimer: Yeah, I'm still not related to Rumiko Takahashi; she doesn't have any nieces, that I know of, so it's not even like I can marry into her family or something. So, I still don't own any of this.  
  
This is another one that sprung from my head fully formed, Athena-like. The second is just kinda an apology for putting up with how much I talk.

* * *

He rang the door bell.  
  
The door opened, and her mother stood there. "Do I know you?"  
  
"Yeah." He said. "I'm Inu-Yasha."  
  
"You look different..."  
  
He shrugged. "It's been five hundred years. Anyway, Kagome has to go back in time for as long as it takes to complete the jewel."   
  
"And why should I do that!? Is Kagome supposed to throw away her education!? Am--"  
  
He cut her off. "Here's ten million yen." He said, handing her the suitcase. "Now, Kagome will go back with my past self without any argument, right?"  
  
She opened the suitcase, and nodded vigorously.

* * *

Take two!

* * *

It was fast, and quick, and surprisingly easy.  
  
Hardest was getting the old man's blood out of the carpet, but he had a few days before she'd be back. After all, she'd only gone down the well that morning.  
  
And now that the real family was gone, his simulacrums could fill in. They used the same spell as the kugutsu, so it was a snap.  
  
The girl would never know anything.  
  
But he knew everything. Three years until she would fail, her hanyou lover dead with her.  
  
Naraku was the sort to read the last page of a book first.

* * *

...I'm a horrible person. 


	20. The Ultimate InuYasha Fanfic

What follows is my entry for Mrs. Kristine Batey's "The Ultimate Inu-Yasha Fanfic." (with edited l33t) It took me two hours because I absolutely refused to exceed 800 words and cut certain key adjectives. The contest also ends today (July 1 2004), so don't even bother with your own submission (daniel hopes to win by default). Anyway, I was also going to include a list of all the cliches in here, but I gave up.

* * *

"Summery:" Acronyms: IY/YYH IY/Kag/Kur WAFF WMD. Exactly 800 words. "Summary justice" for grammer errors. Cookies to anyone who spots cliches. Extra lardy cookies for reviews. Daniel doesn't even own his pants. Read-- or _else_.  
  
**_ Daniel's Ultimate Inu-Yasha Fanfic_**  
  
_ ** 1: The Plot Emerges, Only to Thicken! (Dun Dun Duuuuun**!)  
_  
Inu-Yasha had just gotten off the plane from Zurich. Being five centuries old, he was fabulously wealthy.  
  
He stood in front of Sariashi High School, schedule in hand.  
  
"Hi Kagome." He said. 500 years of holding the torch ends _now_!  
  
She stiffened. "Inu-Yasha!?"  
  
"Yeah!" He said. "I waited 500 years to ask: will you be my girlfriend?"  
  
"What about Naraku?"  
  
Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "Lemme tell you about that..."  
  
_ ** 2: Naraku's Death, Via Flashback! (Baachan will D.Q. now...)**  
_  
Inu-Yasha swung his sword at Naraku!  
  
Naraku threw the Shikon no Tama at him!  
  
Inu-Yasha threw down his sword to catch the jewel!  
  
Naraku picked up the sword and held it to Kikyo's throat!  
  
Mikoku, Sango, and Shippo watched passively with great interest.  
  
"Pick, Inu-Yasha--what will you do now!?" Naraku sneered.  
  
"I'll kill you!"  
  
So he did--it was easy with the jewel!  
  
"So," Miroku said, "what now?"  
  
"Braaaaaaaiiiiins...." Kikyo groaned, "Braaaaaaaiiiinssss!"  
  
"I wish Kikyo was human!" Inu-Yasha said.  
  
So she turned into a human--that was 67 years old--because she was!  
  
Later, Kikyo had a heart attack and died! (bcuz kikyo suxx!)  
  
_ ** 3: High School Angst ("angst" means "anger," right?)**  
_  
"So I figured I might as well wait for you!" Inu-Yasha said, "my old shard detector!"  
  
"Shard detector shard detector shard detector!" Kagome screamed. "Is that all I am to you?"  
  
"No." Inu-Yasha pursed his lips. "You're also my bitch."  
  
"What!?" She screetched.  
  
"You know, us chauvinistic inuyoukai use 'bitch' to describe our women!" He explained. "And Kikyo could have said 'shard detector' three times _way_ faster than that!"  
  
"AAAARRRGHH!"  
  
"I stayed the exact same for 500 years just for you!" Inu-Yasha said.  
  
"Sit boy!" Kagome screamed.  
  
"Except for that." Inu-Yasha amended. "I got rid of that."  
  
_ ** 4: You're Under Arrest! (Otaku joke...)  
**_  
As Kagome and Inu-Yasha continued making a big scene, a mysterious stranger in a green suit appeared. His identity is a secret. For now...  
  
"Not so fast!" shouted Yuske Yurameshi.  
  
"Who the hell are YOU!?" Inu-Yasha growled.  
  
"I'm the spirit detective--Koenma wants you arrested for using magic to manipulate stocks to get insider advantages!"  
  
"So that's why I'm so rich..." Inu-Yasha mused. "But that's not against the law--in Switzerland!"  
  
"It is now!" Yuske cleverly retorted, running to attack Inu-Yasha.  
  
_** 5: Knowledge is Power (now, fighting!)**  
_  
Inu-Yasha and Yuske fought with a lot of... fighting.  
  
It was like a dance. Except they were trying to hurt each other. And they didn't care about grace or beauty. And they kept announcing their attacks.  
  
"Spirit Gun!"  
  
"Iron-reaver Soul-stealer!"  
  
They paused. Yuske snorted. "You actually shouted your crappy Viz dub!?"  
  
Inu-Yasha fehed expressively. "Impressive... I should say. But the _original_ Japanese of _your_ attack uses an English word!"  
  
Yuske frowned. "Which word?"  
  
"Gun."  
  
So Yuske fell over, unconcious. His inferior linguistics had cost him the battle!  
**__**

_** 6: Expository Dialogue Advances Plot (warning: 'Megatokyo' reference)**  
_  
Yuske stood up.  
  
"How can I defeat such a powerful demon?"  
  
The answer came to him in conversation--with himself!  
  
"Fight him when he's weak!" said a Little Voice.  
  
"Of course!" Yuske said, slapping his palm with his fist. "But how?"  
  
"Go back in time and defeat him there!" the Little Voice said. It was psychic!  
  
The Little Voice guided him to Souta. "Hey kid, how do I go back in time?"  
  
Souta looked up. "d00dz 7h47 w4n7z 2 tr4v3l fr00 t!m3 g07z 2 uz3 th3 w311!!!"

"Does anyone speak l33t?" Yuske asked.  
  
"j00!" Largo said.  
  
_** 7: Sesshoumaru = Unferth? (Maybe Baachan got that...)**  
_  
Sesshomaru brooded. Despite being sexy, he was a cold fish who was only interested in nonchalantly killing his brother.  
  
But first he needed reliable babysitting for his Rin-chan.  
  
Yuske came through the well. "Where's Inu-Yasha! I'm gonna kick his tail!"  
  
Sesshoumaru took exception. "This Sesshoumaru--and _his_ tail--are the only ones allowed to kill Inu-Yasha!"  
  
"Oh yeah!? Try and stop me!"  
  
So Sesshoumaru did. "Dokkasou."  
  
"Oh, I'm melting!" Yuske screamed. "What a world, what a world!"  
  
In the future, Inu-Yasha wooed Kagome with expensive gifts, like French chocolate. He was succeeding.  
  
Until...!  
  
_** 8: Denoument (in English, 'Happily Ever After!')**_  
  
Kurama left the school, his flame-red hair catching the sunset unlike any Japanese since Himura Kenshin.  
  
He spied a girl that possessed midnight-black-raven-lustery hair and ocean- sky-#0000FF-blue eyes; the very epitome of classical Japanese beauty!  
  
(Kurama likes adjectives. And German).  
  
Next to her was a man with golden eyes, white hair, and dog-ears. Kurama passingly wondered if the man was related to him.  
  
"Hey baby, lose the zero and get with the hero!" He catcalled.  
  
Kagome, who apparently had taste like Helen of Troy, and violent boyfriends, also like Helen of Troy, agreed.  
  
Kurama and Kagome lived happily ever after.  
  
**_ The End._**  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" Inu-Yasha and Kouga chorused.

* * *

I hate how FF.net cuts formatting when I upload... sigh. 

BTW, for those of you who don't get l33t, "d00dz 7h47 w4n7z 2 tr4v3l fr00 t!m3 g07z 2 uz3 th3 w311!!!" means, literally, "dudes that want to travel through time gots to use the well!"


	21. Temper, temper!

daniel's disclaimer: Still own nothing.  
  
This is me venting my spleen with as much humor as I can muster right now. The more I think about it the more insulted I feel. Anyway, some general complaints about gothic characters in IY fanfiction.

* * *

Gothic Inu-Yasha: I am a transparent device living the life the authoress wishes she had.  
  
Gothic Kagome: I represent the anger of the authoress against the slights she perceives society makes against her because she forces people to not just tolerate but accept her.  
  
Gothic Inu-Yasha: Wait, daniel is using us to make fun of gothic people!  
  
Gothic Kagome: He's just like all those other wimpy stereotyping preppie squares!  
  
Gothic Inu-Yasha: Yeah, and righteous reviewers are going to retaliate with liberal use of the f-word.  
  
daniel: Hate me for deviating from social norms by disliking Gothic people! I dare you!

* * *

Posting this was probably (definately) a bad idea, but dag nabbit, it doesn't seem fair that I have to suffer fools with equanamity ALL the time; this last retaliation is really makin' me itch for a fight. 


	22. Just as Well

daniel's disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Inu-Yasha. Bummer, huh?  
  
Kagome: I will go into the past and undue the future that is (Nar)aku!  
  
daniel: You do that.

* * *

Inu-Yasha paused, frowning. "Something smells like burning tar."  
  
Kagome yelped as a kugutsu leapt out of the trees, swiping at her with a sword.  
  
Inu-Yasha leapt forward and hit it with the Tessaiga, cutting an arm off.  
  
"What the!?" Sango shouted, surprised, at the wires that were exposed by the severed limb.  
  
"It's a robot!" Kagome said, surprised.  
  
Its eyes glowed red, and it jumped forward again, the severed arm reattaching.  
  
Inu-Yasha slashed it with his sword, and the blade wedged in the fusion generator.  
  
"Hasta la Vesta, Baby." It jeered, and then its generator exploded and killed them all.

* * *

This fic is dedicated to the governor of California. Not because he needs it, but to provide one more clue in case you didn't get the joke.  
  
Frankly, I think it's funny because the parallels are implied, not explicit. But that's just me. 


	23. Fifty Years

Daniel's disclaimer: Yeah, all y'all know the drill.

Been a while. I've been busy, but really I couldn't think of anything.

* * *

So.

Fifty years.

In the blink of the eye... it didn't seem that long, but it was all gone.

The forest—_his_ forest—was different. He didn't recognize it at all. It wasn't home anymore.

Everything was gone.

Kikyo was gone.

So.

Fifty years.

The rage was there, anger that destroyed emotions he couldn't wield. But it wasn't an antidote for his sadness.

"Dead. The same day she put the spell on you."

In the blink of an eye...

For him, Kikyo was literally yesterday. Fifty years, everything gone, but he was just beginning to mourn her.

So.

Fifty years.

* * *

A semi-first person introspective from Inu-Yasha's perspective, right at the very beginning of it all. Sometimes I disagree with even Takahashi's characterization; if we are to believe the internal timeline (about a month for every five manga), then that means that Kikyo was resurrected about a month after she died, from Inu-Yasha's point of view.

Yeah, that's enough out of me.


	24. Perfect Boyfriend

daniel's disclaimer: It's not like this actually serves any purpose, actually... you all already know I don't own any of these characters.

Double-length: Two hundred words, this time. Deal with it.

* * *

Kagome sighed, sinking down on the plastic chair next to Sango.

"So, let me get this straight." Sango said, disbelieving. "Your dad said no matter who your next boyfriend is, he won't disapprove."

"Yeah, but that means leaving Kouga." Kagome responded.

"Well, it's obvious." Sango said. "Your next boyfriend will have to be so terrible personally that he'll make Kouga look good by comparison."

Kagome sighed. "So bad, daddy will have to let me go back to Kouga."

"Exactly!" Sango pursed her lips. "But he can't actually be abusive. We should hire someone to just play along."

Kagome rolled her eyes. "Miroku could do it."

Sango grunted. "First, he's already my boyfriend, and second, your dad can see through him, so he actually likes the pervert."

They sighed.

Miroku slipped into the booth next to Sango. "Sorry I'm late. One of the guys I council listed me as a reference on a job application and they called me."

"Who?" Sango asked, curious.

"Inu-Yasha." Miroku said.

"Where have I heard that name before...?"

Miroku sighed. "He's the thug. Trying to get his life back together. Heart of gold, but his nickname in prison was 'killer.'"

Sango's eyes lit up.

Kagome groaned.

* * *

This idea is stolen from a movie that Ceech (from Ceech and Chong) starred in. He played a Mexican that immigrated to Australia (that's right, Australia). He got a minimum wage job in a Mexican restaurant because he was cursing in Spanish in the alley behind it and the owner wanted a real Mexican to give the place authenticity. Ceech accepted; he'd been cursing in the alley because the job he'd moved to Australia for was withdrawn from him.

Anyway, also in this movie there was a wealthy Australian heiress, aged 23 or so, that had a father that didn't approve of any of her boyfriends (the audience was supposed to agreed with dad, BTW, since they really were creeps). The dad agreed to approve of the next boyfriend, no matter what, if she dumped the current one. So she decided to go hire the absolute worst boyfriend ever so her dad would relent and let her go out with the first guy.

Guess what happens next!

Yeah, Ceech becomes a member of the Australian aristocracy. He fit right in, since, you know, Australia was a penal colony, and Ceech was from Mexico. Not to rip on Mexico, I was happy when Venezuela Fox took office, but he hasn't exactly come through with sweeping reform.


End file.
